I'm sorry but I have to talk about Mariah - the big pink elephant in the room.

So I was chatting to a mate today & he was pondering whether to download the new Mariah album. My instant reaction was don't bother. I was right. I've been a little out of the mainstream loop so hadn't heard the new single & decided to check it out...when watching it (if you can bear it) please bear in mind that this woman is now 38.

I don't really know where to start but if I'm doing anything she's doing in that video at 38 you all have permission to kill me - in fact please kill me now if I answer the door in my pants and frolic around in the garden like a deranged sex-deprived freak in a school uniform flashing my undies, babbling incoherently about cameras and youtooob.
What is going on with all the pop stars I grew up idolising? I'm almost hoping Michael Jackson's rumoured come back at the 02 Centre (they're also talking to Whitney) isn't true in case he just makes it all worse, and people I loved and idolized like Whitney, Janet Jackson, Madonna, Paula Abdul, Alexander O'Neil (yes I do dare to include him in this list, and what?) - what happened? Fair enough Mariah looks good (weird) for her age, has had 18 Number 1s & is the best selling female artist of all time but she apparently had a lobotomy in 1998. I used to love her, as did the rest of Nigeria which is where I was when I discovered her. It was all about the power ballads (we also loved Anita Baker, Boyz 2 Men & loads of R&B rubbish I still love) Vision of Love, Love Takes Time, Someday, I Don't Wanna Cry, Hero, One Sweet Day, Butterfly, My all - then all the good straight pop stuff like Dreamlover, Always Be My Baby, Fantasy & Heartbreaker. A friend of my sisters' said a little while back when he heard My All - "who's that singing?!" & could not believe it was her. It makes me very sad, I'm sure she doesn't need my pity but she has it in abundance.
I'll leave you with one of my favourites - The Roof featuring Mobb Deep from 1997, back when I was still recording music off Trevor Nelsons Saturday show & re-winding it 50 times to learn all the words, and Mariahs boobs were smaller than her head...

Mariah - it's not too late for a decent come back...we haven't forgotten '92s MTV Unplugged - I'm sure Trey Lorenz is just waiting by the phone. If he can afford one nowadays.